Monday, July 12, 2010

Dodged the bullet

What pleasure does it give him to judge whatever I say as "wrong" or "right"?  Why does he interrupt every damn sentence out of my mouth?  Does he really think his version is sooo much more fucking interesting?  Is he really so much in love with his own voice that there's no room for any other kind of love in his life?

He's always been more interested in what he says than what others say, but at least with others, he doesn't interrupt consistently - he makes an effort to hear what they are saying.  I learn more about him when he's talking to others because there's no tone of judgement or belittlement in his voice, and I can stand to hear him.

When he thought he was in love with me, he was only a titch more considerate, so I don't think it has anything to do with how he feels about me/them - "them" being anyone he cares about or who cares about him.

It's as if his personal life consists of bar room conversations, short, sweet, funny, charming... but also ... buffoon comes to mind.  The constant one-up-manship to impress perfect strangers ... the tendency towards grandiosity, the exaggerations... even the outright lies.  Trouble is ... he's not in a bar room.  We were in a relationship back then - in each other's beds.  Even tho I was gaga madly in love with him back then, I saw clearly that he was more interested in his own voice than he was with mine, and I learned very quickly that if I wanted to be heard, I'd have to fight for it.  Luckily, most of the time, it wasn't that important.  When we had fights, they always started because he didn't listen, and I'd reached the end of my patience for that phone call, or that day, or that issue.  I see his weak points - which are the same points he brags up the most.  And believe me, he brags, but in the most charming way... if you don't know him.

Two summers, I fell out of love with him, because he used his kid to hurt me.  I had to break a promise, and had no way of letting the kid know, without putting him down in his child's eyes.  He and I stopped talking on the phone for about 6 months or so, and then he started calling periodically "to check in", typically starting out by saying "Hi, how are you, what're doing?, I'm blah blah blah", going immediately into what was going on with him, instead of giving me time to answer how I was.

I feel like I am lucky, to one, not be in love with him, and two, to get the chance to get to know him better, so now I know I made the right decision.  No regrets.

Best regards,

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