The Doldrums

Today I woke up in a bit of an old, familiar funk.  The "Why Bother with Life" funk, that I dealt with constantly in Idaho.  It's only the 2nd time since moving to San Francisco 4 months ago, so that's both wonderful and not so wonderful.  Wonderful because I'm not constantly suicidal, but scary as hell, because oh no, San Francisco isn't curing me of that particular funk, and what if tomorrow becomes the 3rd day, and the next day and so on.

Then the Scooter Store called.  I've been ignoring their calls since getting the trike, but answered it today because I misheard the little voice inside my phone that tells me who's calling and thought it was my sister.  The Scooter Store told me Medi-Cal would pay for the motorized wheelchair 100%.  One would think that would be good news, but it sent me spinning into the boo hoo's.

The trike HAS made it easier, but the fact remains - it still requires energy and muscular output on my part.  My body is completely numb after a bike ride.  The physical aftereffects are exactly the same as walking too far.  The only difference is that I can go a farther distance, which is a godsend.  Plus it's fun!

I am so torn.  A part of me knows that my body would breathe a sigh of relief when it sat in that chair.  Another part of me doesn't want to give in to it.  If it's sitting here, would I cop out and use it when I could/should walk instead?

Or would I be able to do more things if I used the chair? 

San Francisco hasn't cured my MS.  It's definitely better.  Or is it?  Maybe loving San Francisco has just made having MS more bearable?  The actual limitations are still there, but because I have a beautiful view from my bed, I am happier?

I wish, alot, that my disability was more visible.  I LOOK like there's little wrong with me - a little wobble here and there, maybe. 

So I call my son, and I cry.  And he tells me to lose weight and start eating right.  Which is the LAST thing I want to hear, but perhaps what I NEED to hear.  He told me about Montel William's diet, and also how his (Jeremy's) job is physically demanding, and if he doesn't eat right, he feels like shit.  He even drinks soy milk.  I started to tell him that I bought organic milk the other day, but I haven't drank it yet, cause I'm afraid I might like it too much, and I can't really afford to buy it cause I drink ALOT of milk.  I LIKE the taste of it!  But he says it's not good for me.  Milk not good for me???  Where did I go wrong in raising that boy?!  But he said something that was a brilliant idea for me, that's perfectly do-able.  Green smoothies, and fruit smoothies and FREEZE them!  Which would solve the spoiling factor that I tend to deal with when I buy fruits and veggies.

At my age, I've come to know what I will do and not do, no matter what good intentions I have.  I may WANT and PLAN to walk every day, but I KNOW I won't or can't.  Why keep on pretending?  But I can totally see myself doing the smoothie thing and freezing it. I actually CRAVE icy things, such as milk shakes. 

He told me MS is a disease of the spine being inflamed.  Which isn't how I've read the research - I took it to mean that there's missing myelin from my spine.  So I Googled inflammation in MS, and yes, it is a factor. 

"The nerve damage is caused by inflammation. Inflammation occurs when the body's own immune cells attack the nervous system. Repeated episodes of inflammation can occur along any area of the brain, optic nerve, and spinal cord." 

Huh. 

So I went to Montel William's site and he said,  "I live with pain consistently. Now, at its worst, [the pain is] between a 6, 7 or 8. At one point in time, it had reached almost a 9 or 10 — and it was strong enough to make me want to take my own life. I started working very hard from that point on, trying to figure out if I could find anything at all that would lessen the severity of that pain. Most of the response inside the body of a person with MS is an inflammatory response. So if I eat foods that lessen the opportunity for inflammation in my digestive system, that's less inflammation in my body. I've been doing that, and I'm now noticing that I've [reduced] the pain in my feet just through diet alone."     (red font mine, because been there done that)


Huh.

Fine.  Raw foods it is.  Bring on the education.

Doctor appointment is on Thursday.  More on that tomorrow. 
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