Sunday, May 6, 2012

Grief Reviisted... 29 Years Later

Because someone I know is going thru hell right now, Jacob has been on my mind alot these last few weeks, more than normal.  You would think I would know what to say.  Instead I am silent, and I even watch church sermons on TV, in the hope that if there is a God, that he helps her and her husband.  She recently started blogging updates on her baby son, and I will ask her if it's okay to link to it, because I know there's many of you who care about them.  I hope to go visit her in a couple of months, cause I know she'll be sick sick sick to death of the NICU, and maybe some visitors will be a good thing.  Right now, they're still on the roller coaster, the highs and the lows of being in the NICU, and all of their energy needs to be concentrated of taking care of themselves so that they can take care of each other and their baby son.  

I came across this post by Josh, of A Family Record, and I am reminded of how very, very hurtful it is when you hear of comments regarding your grieving process.  They are never, never helpful.

Some people should be grateful they have their kids, and since they haven't lost a child, they have absolutely no right to judge how the right way to "get over it" is done, nor should they voice any opinion whatsoever about when "it's time to move on".  They have no right.

Is my anger "proof" that I'm not over it, or that I haven't moved on?  How would you know - you don't know me, nor do you see how I live my day to day life.  I have a website, for the Jacob Poems, because he existed, and he counted.  It's all I have left of the baby that I gave birth to.  And he's gone.  It doesn't mean that I still live in that state of grief I was in when I wrote them 26 years ago.  I'm GLAD to re-read them every 2 or 3 years, because it makes me remember, it makes me SMELL him.  It makes me hurt and the hurt is good, because he existed, and I loved him.  I want to hurt sometimes, because he was worth the pain, and I don't want to forget ANYTHING about him, even the pain.

No, my anger is over judgmental comments is because it's one more hurdle new grievers have to deal with.  It makes us "old-timers" remember afresh how much it hurt.  It makes/made us have to package our grief into pretty little packages, so that others would be more comfortable.  It made the hellacious path we were on just a little bit more unbearable.  Josh (A Family Record) states it perfectly, and I'm here to tell you, that those kind of people, those kind of people who don't KNOW because they haven't had a child die... those kind of people deserve the f*ck you letter.  I remember those comments, and it's just another thing to focus on, when you really need ALL your energy for healing - not for dealing with that kind of thoughtless, judgy-McJudgey shit.  It's too easy to focus on everything BUT healing, and those kind of comments seem to get many parents "stuck" in bitterness, in order to avoid the work of grieving.  Don't label me as bitter or stuck in the past, or obsessed.  No.  This is righteous anger.  Big Difference.  I would know.  You wouldn't.

If you know someone who's child has died, don't say anything remotely judgmental.  Keep your opinions to yourself if you can't say something nice.  Make a cassarole instead.  Don't ever think it's time to get over it.  Cause you're just plain wrong.  And just for the record?  I have moved on.  But I'll NEVER "be over it".  How dare anyone negate my child like that.


  1. Way to go Laurie! I've never lost a child but I watched my mother try to survive with a shattered heart. I've lost my sweet beautiful grandbabies that were so perfect and gone way too soon. I've watched my baby struggle physically and emotionally, mourning while worring about the tiny baby still fighting to survive. The ache in all our hearts will never leave, I'm sure of it because we loved those tiny girls with all our hearts and souls. I've lost so much and so many people in my life but this pain is so much harder because the hurt is overwhelming on top of the overwhelming ache that I feel for MY baby! No one should judge anyone, ever and everyone has the right to grieve, feel, remember, memorialize & whatever else they need to do to live with what life has dealt them...You are doing what's best for you and people that mind how & what you're doing don't matter & people who matter give you a big atta boy...ATTA BOY, Laurie!!! Love ya, Laurie

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  3. Thank you, Laurie, for your comment. I've been thinking of you too, because of how hard it has to be - I've often said parenting is HARDER when your children are grown... cause we can't fix it when they're hurting from life's experiences. It's a double pain for us. And sometimes they are prickly pears when you try to help! I know I was, when my mom tried to help me!


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