Hobo

Be afraid, very afraid

I'm sorry.  Did I scare you?  Good.  Because by 9am this morning, I'd already had a day.  Why?  You're looking at it.  And you're looking at the actual sizes, but they can get even bigger.  We're talking about the Hobo and the Recluse, thank you very much. 
First, I nearly stepped on a Hobo when I got in the shower.  A large male and his girlfriend.  So I turned on the hot water, boiled them dead, scooped them up with a jar, and flushed them down the toilet. 
After my shower, I got dressed in work-out clothes for Curves.  I'm officially on Spider Alert, from now till the end of October.  When I opened my door to leave, 2 spiders were out in the hallway.  Upon seeing my open door, they mistakenly thought it meant "Welcome to my parlor said the human to the spider".  They've got it ohsowrong.  The girl spider made it thru my dancy feet.  Another plus for going to Curves.  I'm now capable of dancy, skippy feet.  They rushed, they aimed, they moved fast.  I have sandals/bare toes on.  After dancing out, closing the door behind me in a fast hurry, the man spider was still there on the outside, and his girlfriend was on the inside.  He and I stared at each other for some minutes.  I didn't think he would be able to get under the door, so I was feeling pretty powerful.  I finally ventured a move.  I swear, they literally run at you, to bite, cause it's their mating season, and the men spiders... I dunno... want to mate with woman humans?  I mean... can't they tell I am not of their species?  When I moved, it ran under my damn door. 
This creates quite a situation in my mind.  And for my bare toes.  Do I risk opening the door, knowing they could be on the other side, just waiting to do what it will with me?  He obviously was luring me into more private quarters.  I hate Hate HATE these spiders with a passion normally expressed elsewhere in happy places, if you know what I mean.  If he sees me, he'll rush at me.  At warp turbo speed.  I have no idea if warp turbo is a correct concept, but I'm using it.  These asshole spiders are fast. 
Back to the dilemma - do I open my door, or do I walk on down the hall, knowing that spiders are now in my parlor?  Will I be able to work out at Curves, knowing I have 2 spiders mating in my haven?  Mating as in making more asshole baby spiders?
No.  I cannot.  Not only can I not stand the thought of mating spiders in my abode, but it's just sick and wrong that they're inside, and I'm outside.  It's not right for them to be having their little sex party uninvited in my home.  I have control issues, and this simply will not do.  I opened my door, and he is nowhere to be seen.  There's a pile of shoes by the door.  Or it could be under the fridge, which is close to the front door. 
Not only do I have to watch my toes, but I'm assuming spider bites are dangerous for dogs too.  Muttin is fond of eating spiders, and Jeffrey makes friends with them.  My quota for vet bills was reached last Saturday, but that's another post.  So I'm squealing and hissing at the dogs, telling them to move, get away, go, get out of my way, and I'm having to maintain since old people could come out of their apartments at any moment and start shhushhing me, cause that's what they do best.  Besides that, squealing and hissing isn't dignified.
Great... now should I take the damn dogs with me?  It's hot inside the car if I leave them while I working out.  Fine.  I left them in the apartment, hoping that I wouldn't find Muttin lying prostrate (forgive me) with spider venom.  She's not at her best right now, still a little drunk from her ordeal at the vet's, and she still isn't little Ms. Spry at the moment.  And have I mentioned these spiders move at turbo warp speed? 
The Recluse seems to have proper respect for humans and don't actually chase us, the way a Hobo will. 
After working out, I went to all three stores in my little town, and bought all the sticky traps they had.  All 13 of them.  I cleaned the town out of spider traps.  Do I feel guilty?  No.  Town should know better... it IS hobo season, for hell's sake!
I've now got 10 traps strategically placed around the apartment.  Two under my computer desk.  Under the fridge and couches.  Two outside the door.  Two inside the door.  I don't believe they come in thru the windows, as they'd have to climb, and they're not climbers.  I'm trying my damnedest to forget that several years ago, I walked into my bedroom, and there was a hobo on my pillow.  Said pillow was up on the bed... which means the spider had to have climbed.  But the literature says they don't climb.  A fluke, I say.  I had a fluke hobo.  Perhaps Jeffrey picked it up in his friendly fashion, and set it gently on my bed?
I spose the story isn't complete if I don't explain the eradication part of having an actual sighting.  They're too big to step on because they'd crunch.  I can't bear crunch.  For the most part, I'm environmentally friendly.  I normally put bugs outside, without killing them.  However, I draw the line when they actually run at me, after me, chasing me.  I do have boundaries, thanks to years and years of therapy, and one of them includes spiders are not welcome in my space.  I can't use bug killer spray, cause of the dogs.  So I have to go thru this ridiculous dance with these beasts in order to free my floor and self from tyranny.

• Notice movement out of corner of eye
• Know instinctively that it's a spider
• Run, dance, jump over spider, whatever is necessary to protect my toes
• This may require climbing furniture - be safe
• Reach safety, but keep spider in sight at all times
• Slip on clogs left out specifically for such episodes
• Find appropriate jar or glass (the smart person would have this handy at all times)
• Approach spider. For some reason, they hold remarkably still after the initial attack
• Slam glass over it, trapping it inside.  It's important to be able to see spider, so do make sure your spider jail is see-thru, for reasons that will become clear soon 
• Step back, take deep breaths, congratulate self and keep an eye out for his girlfriend. He's bait now, and oddly enough, the stupid girl will fall for it, and offer herself up for sacrifice - trading her life for his. I won't trade tho, and grab another jar.
• Now this is the time where I take a break. You may think it's from spider stress. Not so. I'm actually backing off so I can torture the spider. Who knows just how long I'll keep his spider ass in his glassy prison? I've been known to leave it for days. Until death in some cases. If I'm running out of jars being used on his relatives, then I have to:
  • find a sturdy piece of paper or cardboard. The kind that comes inside men's dress shirts is perfect
  • Slide it under the glass, being careful not to pinch the asshole spider's legs
  • Pick up jar with spider inside with cardboard holding it in
  • Take it to the toilet
  • Flush

Flushing is important because it is not fun rushing to the potty to pee, and seeing a huge spider, still looking very much alive even tho it's floating.  It's just hard to sit down after that.  Even after you flush, and sit down.... you just feel like you need to cross your legs, ya know? 
There are 3 sticky traps left in reserve for actual sightings.