Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Writing Emotionally

I've had a bit of an epiphany  this morning regarding writing and the blog.  I do my best writing when I write from a place of emotion.  If I think too much about it, or wait till the emotion passes - I end up not writing.  I've done my best writing when in emotional pain.  Having a history of childhood sexual abuse, a dead child and MS has given me plenty of opportunity.

A perfect example is the Jacob Poems.  I was sooo stuffed full with grief that it was going to kill me if I didn't do something to relieve the pressure, so to speak.  Part of grieving is the fear of forgetting your loved one.  So for me, writing it down started the healing process.  It relieved the pressure/pain and it documented my son - that he was here, he existed, and he made a difference.  I also wanted to make it so that Jeremy could know him somehow, when and if he wanted to as he grew up.  Jeremy was so special with Jacob. 


See?  What's happening right now is that I'm getting emotional remembering how Jeremy was with Jacob, and I want to walk away from the computer.  I sometimes wonder if he feels ... less than Jacob somehow.  Dead people, specially babies, tend to get put up on a pedestal, revered, saint hooded.  In the same way that I wish I could bottle Jacob's aura, I wish I could bottle Jeremy's innate kindness and goodness.

I've never used the word "innate" before in my life, but it came to mind and typing fingers immediately, so I had to go to  to make sure it was the right word.

adjective /iˈnāt/ 
Inborn; natural, native, not established by conditioning or learning; "an unconditioned reflex".

Yup, that was Jeremy with Jacob.  His 2 1/2 year old self never had second of sibling jealousy, the kind you prepare for when you're pregnant with your second child.  He sometimes didn't LIKE some situations...                                   

such as when he'd rather be playing with the kids in the hospital playroom, but I never had any trouble with him resenting Jacob or the time it took to take care of everything Jacob.  There was sooo much we had to do for him, and Jeremy seemed so happy and secure during that time.  Then later, when I had a daycare in my home, he again showed kindness to all the other little kids by welcoming them, and playing with anyone who was playing alone.  He was always looking out for the underdog.

Oh I am horrified!  I just went to the Jacob blog and discovered several comments that I never knew about.  I must not have it set to receive emails when someone comments.  Someone left a comment which I consider the highest compliment I've ever received about the Jacob blog.  She said:

"Your writing doesn't seem written, it seems thought. The feeling happens, then appears in words. The parts about the raw grief - too accurate for me to read today." 

I wanted people to know what it felt like.  Sometimes I think I should put a disclaimer saying to those who have lost a child not to read cause it will hurt again, some more, always.  

That is all. 

So this morning, the TV remote control found "Our America with Lisa Ling" one the OWN network, and "Downsize" on the WE net work.  Lisa Ling's show spotlighted how difficult sex offenders have it after leaving prison.  The mother on Downsize opened up about having MS, after not really talking about for the last 6 years.

And now I'm going to end this post because it morphed into Jeremy and Jacob and it needs to stand alone.  Will copy and paste the above paragraph to a new post and go from there.

That is all.


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