Monday, November 21, 2011

Content AND Happy... Two Birds with One Stone

I'm too happy to sit down and blog.  How many times can I come up with different ways to say I'm not only content, but I'm happy too.  I've been happy and I've been content, but I think the times of being both have been very, very rare.  The only time that comes to mind is sitting in front of the fish tank, rocking Jacob, and watching Jeremy fall asleep on the couch.  Even so, those times were very situational, because it was only moments of time, interrupted by daily traumas and worries.

I FEEL different.  I've been here almost 8 months.  I have made 2 friends that I feel comfortable asking if they would be my emergency contact here in California.  I'm happy with my social life, such as it is, because I'm a loner type anyways, but not I don't have to feel guilty for not being more social. 

I LOVE the feeling of being anonymous.  I like no one knowing I have MS.  I like not being worried about.  I like walking out of my apartment with a plan, and no one talking to me as I go along, making me forget my plan.  I think some of my friends at the apartment in Idaho will understand that.  Steve, Connie, Lorene, Suzanne.  I miss my friends back there, but at the same time, I didn't really realize just how much it takes out of me to be human in front of other people, to fulfill expectations that I put on myself, knowing perhaps someone was counting on me.  All of my own doing - I don't want my friends to think they were too much for me!

For the first time in my life, I feel like the other shoe is NOT going to drop.  Fifty two years old, and I finally feel like everything is okay, and whatever is not? Will still be okay.  I have no idea how to explain that any further either.  

In this city of 808,976, almost a million, I feel safe and secure.

In this tiny studio, I have space in my brain to watch TV or read and/or listen to music on purpose, with purpose - not as an escape from whatever.  I now know what "whatever" was, but I'm not going to mess up this post with talking about it now.  Reading and music win out more over TV lately.

My only worry is the cats... wondering if they are happy, or should I give them a chance to go to a better home.

I wake up in the morning to this view:                                                                                                                      

 8am in the morning, and I WANT to get out of bed to go walk.  I don't lay there and let the pain take over.

I remember a long time ago, how the statement "God will provide" had such a huge impact on me.  "God" "provided" all right, by relatives, or friends, thereby creating obligations/expectations.  Or more likely then not, I worked my tail off to "provide" what I wanted.  To say "God will provide" was a negative for me, for the most part.  Actually, I didn't think God had anything to do with it.  I lost God when Jacob died, so I'm afraid my faith during his life was a fraud, I'm ashamed to admit.

But the serendipity-ness that is my life now...?  There IS something to "IT"... a greater thing than me, that is giving me peace of mind in this city of nearly a million, inside 49 square miles.  When I am at my most poor, living on $770.00 in the 5th most expensive city in the USA, I am content with having exactly what I need, and feel that it's finally time to save money, instead of spend it. 

I had given up on moving here, but I put it at the top of my bucket list on January 20, 2011.  Half jokingly, I "Oprah-ized" it, putting it "out there in the Universe", the 'The Secret' way.  It was one of her Book of the Month selections, and it basically went viral.  I've got the book.  I haven't read it.  I got the gist of it from her show, and reading.  Unfortunately, my attitude is much like Emily Yoffe's, who writes a column called "The Human Guinea Pig" for the Slate website. 

As everyone in the Universe now knows, (it's the least I can do... to give credit where credit is due, so I continue to tell the story), the very next day after putting "Moving to San Francisco" on the top of my bucket list, I got a letter from San Francisco Housing Authority, saying my name had reached the top of the list and a studio was ready for me, should I want/accept it.  This is after waiting over 5 years, and basically giving up.  Did I mention THE VERY NEXT DAY?

Sooo many things have happened since then that further prove there is something bigger than I am - I would wish for something, and I'd find it on the sidewalk the next day.  

I'm being ridiculous.  Who cares if I'm happy!!!

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