Friday, January 13, 2012

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

I have been alternating my emotions between anger, rage, and general, run-of-the-mill pissy-ness.

 Because I was correct in knowing I shouldn't have had a mammogram all these years.  And because no-one warned me about ultra-sounds on the boobies.  As far as flashbacks are concerned, ultra-sounds on boobies make for prime material.  Happy to report my gagging reflex is still in fine working order.  And the hatred for my father is complete.

I have often wondered if my few and far between flashbacks continue because I have unresolved daddy issues, or if it's because I refuse to delve into any unresolved daddy issues.  That's not quite right.  It's more like... a few flashbacks are little enough to pay for ignoring my daddy issues.  Because I firmly believe he is not WORTH any of my mental energy, and I have never felt he deserved any resolution at my expense.  It doesn't eat at me, and I rarely even remember I have a paternal unit.  I know the difference between denial and choosing not to deal, because I've known the satisfaction of resolving what does eat at me. 

He cheated on my mother, drank, made nasty comments about certain physical attributes, flirted, kissed and screwed around with my friends, and several female relatives, some of which I saw with my own eyes.  I lost respect for him long before he molested me, so I feel no great loss and never have.  I've never viewed it as "I lost a father" but as "He's lost a daughter".  And a grandson.

But it has done it's damage.  Not only the flashbacks that have made me leery of medical procedures, but for my son, who's grown up without a sense of family.  I am always  confused as to whether I have a right to tell that story. 

As for the mammogram, the words "mass" and "spots" (2) were used.  As well as "another mammo in 6 months" and then a consultation with higher ups, who decided "2 months" would be better.  And that is all I want to say about it.   When I know more, I will share. 



  1. Sorry you are having such a bad time. About all I can think of to do is help you worry. And continue being full of anger and hate. Not good for either of us. Love you, Mom

  2. Preferred to think that no news was good news since the same "come back" thingy was done to me. I should have asked. Will wait for more news and keep my phone on.

    I love you! Your younger sister.


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