Sunday Snippets

I missed the Nascar race last night, thanks to Comcast's messing up my account and me losing my temper and cancelling my Preferred channels, down to Basic.  Who knew that would leave me with only 30 channels??? Sheesh.  I hate those promotional deals they get to suck you in, and when the promotion is over, it's waaaayyy more expensive then what it was supposed to be.  I remember specifically that it was spose to be under 75 bucks, and I missed the notice (if there actually was one) that said the promotion was over.  $139.00 a month, here it was! 

My neighbor is singing along with his music.  I find it amusing and comforting.  I love happiness.  And hahaha, just as I typed that - another neighbor is screaming at somebody.  Something about "good" people don't live in filth.  The neighbor below me must be smoking pot.  Secondary high, anyone? 

Annie and I went down to the courtyard to do her bizness this morning cause I didn't want to get distracted by taking her out in the world, which tends to happen every time I go out.  I was in the rare mood to clean up my apartment.  When we were down there, my suspicions were confirmed.  It IS my cat who is meowing his fool head off.  Evidently, he can hear me and Annie playing ball in the courtyard.

I'm working hard to get my project off the ground, but it's requiring me to set up another blog.  Somehow I set up 2 separate accounts, which requires extra steps that I do not want to do, and got all confused being numbers and passwords and blah blah blah.  And then?  My new blog was removed by Blogger for spam!  It's a long process to get it back, and I need to get it back, since my new business cards have that web address on them.  Blogger responded today, and now it's up for "review".  A blog with no content in it yet should be reinstated pretty quickly.

My hands are hurting today.  I finally got my Lyrica prescription sorted out correctly.  It took my neuro a couple times to rewrite the script from 60 pills to 90, so that the pharmacy could get Medicare to pay for it.  The one "complaint" I have with the medical care here is that I have to deal with doctors in training.  My neuro is a resident and so, moved on to something else.  The doctor taking her place says there's no notes in my chart regarding another MRI on my spine.  I have the prescription for the Ativan for it, cause I get just a little freaked out.  He was going to get in touch with her, but I haven't heard anything for a month.  I'm spose to have another appointment for the spinal tap results, but again, the ball has been dropped because of the switch in doctors.  I'm not really complaining - it just requires my having to make follow-up phone calls, which I HATE to do. 

My first Weight Watcher's weigh-in is Tuesday nite, so I'll make Wednesdays be my day to post the numbers.  Weight-in Wednesday... works for me.  I didn't track my foods very well, since I didn't have much food to track... my food stamps got cancelled despite my efforts to get my paperwork in on time.  I remember asking on Facebook to get yelled at to get it done.  Well, I got yelled at, and got the paperwork DONE.  Getting it MAILED seemed to be a whole nother issue.  Am rolling eyes at myself.  But I called on Friday, and I should get the letter reinstating them this week.  Same with my Medi-Cal, which hasn't been a problem.  So far, all it pays is the Vitamin D prescription.  Did you know Vit D is the lastest "thing" for "curing" MS?  Not curing exactly... just that MS'ers seem to have a severe deficiency of Vit D.  I, for one, started it about a month ago and I wonder if it has anything to do with my current state of health, which includes not falls for about 2 weeks now...  hmmm.

A word from the wise, learned hard.  I used to dry food out all the time for my cats.  Barf seemed to be eating the majority of it, cause he was gaining weight, and I never saw Hiney at the dish.  I read something online about feeding them only twice a day, and stop the free-feeding.  So they've been getting canned wet food, (and I add water, cause most cats don't drink enough water) in the morning, and a quarter of a cup of dry food in the evening.

By doing this, much to my happiness, it stopped Barf's incessant meowing all day.  Now he only meows twice a day - when it's morning feed and evening feed.  They have their own spot in the apartment and their own dish.  Now I know who's eating what and how much, and rarely do I see either at the other's dish. 

Why having constant dry food in their dish made Barf meow all freaking day long, but now, NOT having it except in the evening, he's NOT meowing all day long... I have no idea.  I guess I'm not that wise after all.

TTFN
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Busy busy busy

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Wow.  My life just got complicated.

The results of my brain, neck, and spine MRI did not show any plaques.  The last neurologist in Idaho Falls was not convinced it was MS.  My current one feels the same.  I'm atypical because I have the numbness on both sides of my body, and the pain is constant, on both sides.  We've decided no more of the big gun meds (shots) until more tests are done.   Another nerve conduction study will be done in June.  I gave blood yesterday for more extensive lab tests.  Do another one tomorrow after fasting.  Then no more doctors until June.  Except for trying to get the wheelchair, which is proving difficult.  No one seems to know HOW to get one!  I may resort to the Scooter Store after all.

One good thing - she upped my Lyrica, which was the main painkiller.  In Idaho, my dose had reached it's maximum, but down here, I'll allowed another 200mg's, so I am so happy not to have to add something new, when I know more Lyrica will help.

I've been reminded how much stress affects me, cause I've been going thru a friendship gone Mean Girl, and for a couple of days, I could barely make it halfway thru the dog park.  Who am I kidding - I only was able to do half of it.  Thank goodness Annie loves to chase the ball and that I have a Chuckit, otherwise she wouldn't get enough exercise.  

I've got a baby shower to go to in Idaho Falls on March 24th, and house-dog sitting to do in Idaho Falls on March 30th thru April 4th, so I'll just stay in IF that whole week and a half to avoid flying back and forth.

Then on April 10th, there is a parole hearing for the guy who murdered my brother, Dan, in Soledad, which in near Los Angelos, I think.  I've never gone to one before.  His daughter, Heather, has gone to two of them.  His sentence was 19 years to life, and this is the 19th year, so it's an important one to get him to have to stay longer.  I'll be taking the bus or the train, and will get to see my niece, whom I haven't seen since she was just a wee one. 

If you knew Dan/Danny, and would like to write something for the parole hearing, email it to me, and I'll make sure it gets there. 

It would be really nice to get the wheelchair in time for all this traveling.

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Healing

Healing.  'Tis momentous. 

I don't do MRI's very well.  During the beginning of the diagnosis process, I had 3 of them within days of each other, mostly because I didn't know being in an MRI machine would cause me to have flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse.  One technician had the comment of "she's like a cat on a hot tin roof, trying to get out".   So they started putting me down, knocking me out, letting me drug my way thru it.  But then, policy changed and they weren't allowed to give me anesthesia any more.  So it was Valium and Versed.  Because Versed is supposed to help you "forget" the procedure/s, sometimes I would think "oh, I'll be fine", only to discover I wasn't and it would have to be rescheduled again.  Since I have to have one every year to keep track of the progress of the MS, it's been an ordeal each and every time.

(Only it isn't open like this - it's a closed up tube)

I've skipped having one for the past two years in Idaho because I got sick of the doctor situation.

There was one scheduled last Friday.  I had asked Jeremy to come be with me, and he flew in from Denver.  He's never been with me thru an MRI, so I was a little embarrassed to need him, but I don't know anyone here in SF well enough to go thru it with me.  I don't like Jeremy seeing me at my "weak" moments, and having sexual abuse flashbacks is definitely not my favorite thing for any one to see.

As luck would have it, there was a foul-up with my medication that was supposed to "calm" me down.  As in... it wasn't ordered.  My love for the San Francisco medical system slid down several notches.  If Jeremy hadn't flown in from Denver to help me, I would have cancelled it.  I didn't want it to be a waste of time for him, so I put on my big girl panties and went thru with it.

In the past, one time a boyfriend had been allowed to hold my foot in order to "ground" me, so that is what I had Jeremy do.  First he put his hand on my ankle, over my pants, and I asked him to move to my foot - bare skin.  Having his hand on my pants leg just made the material too... heavy. 

There was a mold-like thing that contained my head, and the technician stuffed cotton wedge thingies down by my ears, so that my head couldn't move.  Same with my elbows.  When preparing for it, I had asked how long it would take and she said 2 hours.  I yelped quite loudly "2 hours!!!???", and was very upset at the thought.  Brain, neck and spine.  Having to hold still that long is torture.  She said we would take breaks so I settled down a bit.

 Having Jeremy there and having my head wedged in helped TREMENDOUSLY.  As it turned out, I couldn't "feel" Jeremy's hand on my foot cause of the numbness, but when he would pat or rub my foot to reassure me, I could feel it move my whole body, which didn't matter during the first part, cause they were doing the brain, but it wouldn't work for when doing the spine.

I was doing it!  Without freaking out!  I even imagined Annie, who was in the next room with the technician, having on a Superman's cape, and that if I called her, she would come to my rescue by knocking down the door to get to me.

 After the 30 minute brain scan, she slid me out of the machine, and I told Jeremy I was fine, and he could go take Annie for a walk instead, cause I was OKAY!  Off he went, and an hour and a half later, I was done.  I walked out of the little building, into the bright and beautiful and perfect weather, and saw Jeremy walking up the sidewalk with Annie.

I was disoriented as to what part of the hospital we were at, and didn't know which way the bus stop was.  He bought me lunch, and as I talked about how wonderful I felt, overcoming such a longtime issue, and also how confused I was as to my whereabouts.  Jeremy said it was because the MRI was really a time-machine.  It might as well have been true, because I felt like a brand new person.  The flashbacks during the MRI's were the last frontier as far as the abuse issues are concerned.

I am done done done with sexual abuse!  Thanks to my kid, my dog, and stupid little cotton wedgies that held my head still.  I think, in the past, I would have to concentrate so hard on holding still, that it gave the flashbacks and panic attacks a chance to get in.  Something so simple as those wedgies... welcome to San Francisco medical care!

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Success! Fail! Fail! Success! Fail! Success! Fail! Success! Wait. Wha...????

I HATE getting ready to go somewhere. Specially if it requires a shower beforehand cause of over-heating, which complicates the thinking process about getting ready, and getting there on time. So last night, I prepared ahead of time, packing my bag, Annie's bag, making sure I had my datebook, pen, book, poop bags, treats, bus card, ID, hospital card, insurance cards, etc. and that they were handy so I wouldn't have to search for them. My stuff was in a backpack, and Annie's in a purse. Oh, and camera! With new batteries! Doing all this helped ALOT this morning, as I showered and shaved for 3 doctor appointments. Yeah! I was proud of myself as I headed out the door 60 minutes before my appointment. Fifteen minutes for peeping and pooping Annie, 15 for the bus ride, to arrive 30 minutes ahead of time. Thirty minutes was a good buffer for the various lines you have to stand in at the hospital, cause so far, I'd never had trouble with late buses. All was well. Score! Hip hip hurray! Yippy skippy!

We walked to the bus shelter and saw the bus was arriving in 4 minutes. Success! I planned correctly! Yea for me! Yea for Annie peeing and pooping according to plan! I stood within arm's reach of the corner of the bus shelter and noticed I'd dropped the leash. As I bent down to pick it up, the bus drove by. As in... it did not stop! Wha....? Ummm... The next one would be in 10 minutes. So we walked ahead a couple of blocks to the next bus shelter, thinking, hmmm, that was my first legitimate bitch about Muni. Did that make me a bona fide San Francisco citizen?

I was the first in line of about 12 people for the next bus. As I took the first step on the bus and placed my card on the magic fare sucking machine, a black Pomeranian exploded out of this lady's purse, barking it's fool head off at Annie. They were sitting directly behind the bus driver. He looked VERY startled, and jumped out of his seat, looked at the black Pom, and told me I couldn't get on the bus. I stared at him, not sure I had heard what I heard, then told him my dog was a Service Animal.

He: That's too bad, you can't board the bus.

Black Pom: yip yip yap yap yip yip yap yap.

Me: Why not?

Black Pom: yip yip yapyap yip yip yip yapyap yap yap.

He: Her dog boarded first.

Black Pom: yip yipyip yip yip yip yap yap yap.

Me: My dog is a Service Animal. (Surely he knows the law?)

He: You'll have to wait for the next bus.

Black Pom: yip yip yip yap yap yap.

Me: I have 3 doctor appointments to get to, and my dog is a Service Animal.

Black Pom: yip yip yip yap yap yap yap.

(Notice Annie hasn't said anything yet? That's because she's standing with her front feet on the first step, and her back feet still on the sidewalk, gazing calmly at the hysterical Pomeranian)

The Throwdown Bus.  Bring it ON!

 Black Pom: yip yap yip yap yippy skippy you bitch! (Directed towards me or Annie, I'm not sure which)

Now I'm angry. The rules say dogs have to be well-behaved. I wasn't sure about non-service animal rules, but I vaguely recalled that little dogs might have to be in approved airline type carriers, and I was fairly certain that loose dogs had to be leashed (Black Pom wasn't), and I was POSITIVE that they had to be under the owner's control at all times. Leashed and controlled are the Service Animal rules - it stands to reason that would be the minimum for non-service animals? Call me crazy, but I don't think a hysterically yappy little dog that cusses is under it's owner's control.

Me: That dog isn't a service animal, because if it was, it wouldn't be barking like that.

Black Pom: YOU FAT BITCH! (I became sure it was directed towards me) yip yip yip yap yap yap yup yup yup!

He: It's not a service animal, but it boarded first, so you'll have to take the next bus.

Me: (Incredulous) My dog isn't making a sound, but she's not allowed on the bus, and that one is NOT a service dog, and it's allowed on the bus, acting like that???

Black Pom: yippy I yo, yippy I a,  yip yap yap yip yap loser.

He: YOUR dog is making THIS dog bark! It wasn't barking till it saw YOUR dog!

Black Pom: yip yup  yea yip yap yup yap yup yea yes hurray!

At that point, I stepped off the bus, and stared in disbelief at the victorious Black Pomeranian, and something rude slipped out of my mouth - along the lines of the driver being seriously... wrong. I'm also aware that my 30 minute leeway had dipped to 10 minutes, and the next bus wouldn't be for another 10 minutes, therefore making me to the appointment on time, barely. Barring any lines, or further bus incidents.  FAIL. Sucks. Shit. Damnation.

Several of the 10-12 people commiserated with me as they passed by and boarded the bus, and one told me to call Muni to complain. I did, as I walked to the next stop, to save some time.  I am so sure that I am right, and the driver needs to be educated, that I requested a hearing. Am waiting for the call back.

I boarded the 3rd bus, holding my breath, and it was almost empty. Lots of room for Annie! Yea!  I pulled to "Stop Requested" cord at the appropriate time, but he blew past the stop right in front of the hospital, and stopped 2 blocks later!  The walk to the right building would be about 1- minutes if all goes well. As I stood up to offload, my purse dropped on the floor. When I stooped down to pick it up, the bus started moving again. ? "Wait, I'm getting off!!  He drove another block before he let me off! There went my 10 minutes, and I am STRESSED because it takes months to get neurology appointments, and they are VERY strict about being late or missing them. And with the stress, I can feel the numbness, pain, and weakness settling in. FAIL! But for once, I wasn't over-heated. I'd managed to dress correctly! SCORE! I'm such an expert on San Francisco weather, and of MS!!!  Winner!

 I found this shirt at the thrift store for a couple bucks.  I used to cut out the "Love Is" cartoon out of the newspaper growing up, for YEARS.  I still have a bunch of them, waiting to be decoupaged onto some project.  It's the most Valentiny thing I own, so Happy Valentine's Day, peeps. 

I did this jar years ago.

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Inquiring Minds Want to Know

I have been alternating my emotions between anger, rage, and general, run-of-the-mill pissy-ness.

 Because I was correct in knowing I shouldn't have had a mammogram all these years.  And because no-one warned me about ultra-sounds on the boobies.  As far as flashbacks are concerned, ultra-sounds on boobies make for prime material.  Happy to report my gagging reflex is still in fine working order.  And the hatred for my father is complete.


I have often wondered if my few and far between flashbacks continue because I have unresolved daddy issues, or if it's because I refuse to delve into any unresolved daddy issues.  That's not quite right.  It's more like... a few flashbacks are little enough to pay for ignoring my daddy issues.  Because I firmly believe he is not WORTH any of my mental energy, and I have never felt he deserved any resolution at my expense.  It doesn't eat at me, and I rarely even remember I have a paternal unit.  I know the difference between denial and choosing not to deal, because I've known the satisfaction of resolving what does eat at me. 

He cheated on my mother, drank, made nasty comments about certain physical attributes, flirted, kissed and screwed around with my friends, and several female relatives, some of which I saw with my own eyes.  I lost respect for him long before he molested me, so I feel no great loss and never have.  I've never viewed it as "I lost a father" but as "He's lost a daughter".  And a grandson.

But it has done it's damage.  Not only the flashbacks that have made me leery of medical procedures, but for my son, who's grown up without a sense of family.  I am always  confused as to whether I have a right to tell that story. 

As for the mammogram, the words "mass" and "spots" (2) were used.  As well as "another mammo in 6 months" and then a consultation with higher ups, who decided "2 months" would be better.  And that is all I want to say about it.   When I know more, I will share. 

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The First Neurology Appointment in San Francisco

I finally had the long awaited neurology appointment.  I'd been told horror stories about spending hours and hours at San Francisco General, trapped in their free medical care system.

My appointment was for 9:15am.  I got there at 9:00am, and was assigned yet another card for my wallet.  We sat and watched the first part of "Live with Kelly" (minus Regis, yeaaa, I didn't like him), and was taken to a room.  Annie checked out each corner and the doctor came in.  Talk about quick!

She did a very thorough physical exam, doing things I've never done before.  A tuning fork, for one thing, placed on various parts to see if I felt the vibrations.  No, on the hands and feet, some on the arms and legs.  She gave me the "Remember 3 Words 5 Minutes Later" test.  For the first time ever, I did remember.  And still do.  They were car, 24, and Chicago.  Guess why I was able to remember them.

Anyways, I was home by 1pm.  That included bus rides.  She spent 2 hours with me.  Which reminds me - I need to get my MRI records from Idaho.  She said they should be on a CD.  I told her I wasn't sure Idaho knew of medical records being put on CDs yet.

She prescribed physical therapy, which I've had before, but only for 6 weeks at a time and then the insurance ran out.  It doesn't run out here, so I'll go as long as necessary.  She wrote a prescription for a service dog (cause I'm tired of my landlady being so damn picky about Annie), AND the cats, saying that because of my numb hands, petting the cats was some sort of sensory good thing!  I have to have another MRI before she'll prescribe one of the big gun MS medicines, and she decided to let the physical therapist decide about the wheelchair.  I have fallen twice today, once yesterday.  It's looking more and more like a wheelchair is in my future.  She also prescribed mega dosages of Vitamin D, which is the current "cure" of the year for MS.  When it was prescribed in Idaho, it was $20 a pill, and Medicaid or Medicare didn't pay for it.  It does here.  She also prescribed something for ... something else.  I can't remember.  Spose I should go pick those up.  Hmm.

When I left and was signing out, there was someone ahead of me, complaining about his long wait.  I felt bad for the receptionist, and told her that they were the Cadillac of Medical Care as far as I was concerned.

Okay, how was I able to Remember 3 Words 5 Minutes Later?  They were car, 24 and Chicago.





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Help, I've lost my uterus!

Dr. A:  "Scooch down further".

Just by that comment alone, you know what kind of doctor she is.  The Lady Parts Doctor.  And thank god she's a woman, cause I'm fighting flashbacks bad enough as it is.  I think I would have walked out if a male doctor had walked in.  It's been so long, I've forgotten I have "issues".  No worries!  The "issues" still exist and manifested themselves into my throat closing up and gagging.  (To those who don't know, I was sexually molested as a child).

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  First, as Dr. A examined the ta ta's, she asked if I give myself monthly breast exams.  I said no, cause my hands are numb, and I can't feel anything anyways.  She asked what was wrong with my hands.  I said "I have MS".

She's quiet and very very thorough.  Very.  Finally, she said, "I don't feel a mass, where did you feel it?"
 
Me:  ???  I said I can't feel anything.

Dr. A:  But you said you have a mass?

I had to laugh. "MS, not mass.  Multiple Sclerosis"

Dr. A:  Ohhhh.  Okay, you're fine then.

Me:  Well, cept for the MS...

She laughs and tells me to scooch down further.

Me:  (I scooch scooch down further)

Dr. A:  Now relax.

Dr. A:  (inserts spatula.  No, not spatula.  Speculum)

Dr.A:  (pokes, twists, wrenches speculum up, down and sideways)

Dr. A:  Do you have a uterus?

Me: ... blink ...(I'm thinking uh, does it move around?  Is it in the lower quandrant of my left knee?  Perhaps near the shoulder blade?)

Me:  Uh.  Are they easy to lose?  Cause if it's easy to lose, then it's probably lost. 

She learns over to look at me over the paper draped over my knees.  "Have you had a hysterectomy?"

Me:  Ohhhhh.  No.  It should be in there.

Dr. A:  Hmmm.  I can't find it.

Me:  Well.  I do have MS with pretty severe cognitive problems.  Maybe I really did lose it.

She started to laugh.  Like she'd been trying to hold it in.

Dr. A:  I have MS too.

Awesome.  Seriously.  We talked like two excited school girls who suddenly discover that the boys they asked to the Sadie Hawkins dance said yes.

Awesome.  Every day, I get happier.

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He's baaack!

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This picture is in the parking lot in Idaho.  My friend Steve called to tell me their lobby had been vandalized!  Someone came in and broke things, and re-arranged the furniture.  I've been thinking alot about my old home, mostly because the current president of the resident's association here is wanting me to run for office later on this month.  I remember how someone knocked on my door, or left me a note almost every single day in Idaho.  Do I really want to do that again?  Would it be the same?  I would like to put together a "Newcomer's Info Packet", but the rest of it?  Not so much. 

Jeff's got a good record on the Kansas City NASCAR track.  Hmmm, that is weird to think of a track in Kansas.  I didn't think Kansas had anything going for it. Altho, I went to the National FFA Convention when in high school.  I think it was there.  Or maybe it was across the... river?  In the next door state.  Ohmygosh, I just remembered my dog Toby wrote me a letter while I was there!  I'm having a memory!

On the down side of that, I remember that today is my father's birthday.  And that a doctor touched/hurt me inappropriately on that day when I was in my early twenties.  Jeez looweez, is it any wonder why I don't remember things?

On a good note, I agreed to having a pap and a mammogram done when I went to the doctor last Thursday to find out the results of the blood work.  Those who know me know what a big deal that is.  I've had NOTHING done in 12 years, ever since being dx'd with MS.  I didn't care before - figured MS was enough, wasn't going to deal with anything more.  Ignorance is bliss as far as future dx's of anything else.  Didn't want to know, didn't care.

I suppose being happy makes a difference.  This morning, as I crossed the street at the light, I again thought "I'm so happy here".  I don't care about the gritty parts - the garbage, the homeless people filth, the crazy scary people.  I am just so damn happy here.  I knew in my gut that I would be. 



Or maybe I was just too afraid to tell this new doctor no.  Remember when I was a bit critical of her on my first visit?  Well, she was much better today, and I really like her.  She must have been having a bad day that day.  I asked her why she referred me to San Francisco General for my MS, which I can't get into until December.  She said that's who they're affiliated with.  I told her I was getting nervous about not being on the shots for this long, and my pain meds script running out (from Idaho still), that I've decided to get a wheelchair after all, and that the 2 other MS clinics could get me in sooner.  She said she couldn't give me a referral but a little known factoid was that I could call for an appointment myself - that I didn't need a referral.  They prefer having one, but it wasn't necessary.  Well, ok, then. 

 Speaking of all things medical, I'm going to have to have my foot amputated, cause it's turning blue.  Why is it turning blue?  There's a clue...that's not my hairy legs you see.

 Nooo, it's my fat cat.  I have a FAT cat! A fat cat and a hot dog.  A hot dog!  I so funny. 

 A fat cat, with a dead, upside down frog on the floor.  He's not happy that I called him Fat Cat.  "Who YOU calling fat, Miss Missy?", he says. 

 

Uh, okay then.  Never mind!

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Need I Say More?

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