Thursday, November 10, 2011

Help, I've lost my uterus!

Dr. A:  "Scooch down further".

Just by that comment alone, you know what kind of doctor she is.  The Lady Parts Doctor.  And thank god she's a woman, cause I'm fighting flashbacks bad enough as it is.  I think I would have walked out if a male doctor had walked in.  It's been so long, I've forgotten I have "issues".  No worries!  The "issues" still exist and manifested themselves into my throat closing up and gagging.  (To those who don't know, I was sexually molested as a child).

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  First, as Dr. A examined the ta ta's, she asked if I give myself monthly breast exams.  I said no, cause my hands are numb, and I can't feel anything anyways.  She asked what was wrong with my hands.  I said "I have MS".

She's quiet and very very thorough.  Very.  Finally, she said, "I don't feel a mass, where did you feel it?"
Me:  ???  I said I can't feel anything.

Dr. A:  But you said you have a mass?

I had to laugh. "MS, not mass.  Multiple Sclerosis"

Dr. A:  Ohhhh.  Okay, you're fine then.

Me:  Well, cept for the MS...

She laughs and tells me to scooch down further.

Me:  (I scooch scooch down further)

Dr. A:  Now relax.

Dr. A:  (inserts spatula.  No, not spatula.  Speculum)

Dr.A:  (pokes, twists, wrenches speculum up, down and sideways)

Dr. A:  Do you have a uterus?

Me: ... blink ...(I'm thinking uh, does it move around?  Is it in the lower quandrant of my left knee?  Perhaps near the shoulder blade?)

Me:  Uh.  Are they easy to lose?  Cause if it's easy to lose, then it's probably lost. 

She learns over to look at me over the paper draped over my knees.  "Have you had a hysterectomy?"

Me:  Ohhhhh.  No.  It should be in there.

Dr. A:  Hmmm.  I can't find it.

Me:  Well.  I do have MS with pretty severe cognitive problems.  Maybe I really did lose it.

She started to laugh.  Like she'd been trying to hold it in.

Dr. A:  I have MS too.

Awesome.  Seriously.  We talked like two excited school girls who suddenly discover that the boys they asked to the Sadie Hawkins dance said yes.

Awesome.  Every day, I get happier.



  1. Good for you. My last Pap was horrible, painful and snotty Dr. She said "it wouldn't hurt if you weren't so fat or if you'd had sex in last decade" Probably won't ever go again. I know I won't go again. love.

  2. Had sex in the last decade? OMG I suspect this is from my mother, and it's TMI !!!

    Love too


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