Tuesday, April 24, 2012

"I give in. I give up." Highs & Lows of Being Me Part Two

Something has shifted within me during the last week of highs and extreme lows.

 For me to be "showing this"... this shit thing on my body not doing what it's supposed to do to someone close to me (Hank) is ... something.  I don't know why I try to hide it from people - mostly Jeremy, and whomever I was in a relationship but I do.  Part of it is the Single Mother Syndrome, I Did It All For Years and Years, and part of it is not wanting to be a burden, specially to my kid.  For me to be having "old person" issues at the age of 40 was far too soon for me to be taken care of by my kid.  He was just starting his life, and being tied down to a mother who can't walk sometimes was unacceptable to me.  On several occasions, he would tell me about their plans to build or buy a house that had room for me, and I would tell him no - no daughter-in-law wants to share her home with her mother-in-law starting out from the get-go, as much as I loved her. 

As far as relationships, one man left shortly after I was diagnosed.  For other reasons, but my psyche took it personally, unbeknownst to me.  I didn't take is personally - the MS did.  (Snort)  There was someone who seemed to "get it", and he did at first, but it was all an act to cover an incredibly narcissistic ego.  That burned me, but I didn't learn from it for years.  The thought of being with someone simply would not compute after that man.  To be alone was a relief.  I have not been lonely, or sad, or depressed without a man.  Altho... I'm making myself sad right now, at the thought of it being a "relief".  As in, relief from the exhaustion of being sucked dry by someone very, very lovable... yet, basically a con man.  A victimized con man to boot.  Oh, but he could make me laugh. 

There was someone after him, and thank God/Dog? for him, because he restored my faith in men, again without me realizing it till much later.  I learned I was still lovable even tho I had MS.   He was/is a very good man, and because of him, I know what it's like to be truly, truly cared for ... even spiritually, and he was enough.  For a lifetime.  If that makes any sense. 

Part of "getting it", for me, is being able to be helped without it being obvious, being tuned in enough to notice I need help without me having to ask.  That's a lot to ask for, but some people are a natural at it.  Another very, very important part of it is being able/allowed to help BACK.  I can do so little - so it's important to me to be able to do what I can do.  If you don't let me help you back in some way, then we have an unequal relationship, where I am beholden to you.  Some people like that or seem to need that.  Those are the people I don't get close to.

All this to say... Hank is seeing some of this MS shit.  Not the active inabilities cause he just happens to miss those occasions being busy with finding a place to live ... but the aftermath.  The exhaustion and inability to recover quickly.  He's one of those who have an innate sense of how to help someone without being a dick about it.  Or expect anything back for it.  I don't have to explain, and more importantly, don't neeeed to explain.  I just feel accepted. 

Which reminds me, someone once implied that he thought I was a "loosie goosie", to put it politely.  He said it in a cruel way tho.  I used to feel very guilty for that, but I don't now.  You try losing the sensation in your hands and feet, and having it move up and down your body.  It makes you might want to experience "life" a little more in case you lose it altogether forever ... if you know what I mean.  

I'm a firm believer in "You Pick Out What You Need to Work Out" as far as partners.  With my first husband, it was about emotional distance = father issues.  My second husband was alcoholism and sexual abuse = my father again.  Tucker did not sexually abuse me - he made me feel safe enough for the memories to surface and he loved me anyways.  The alcoholism was who he was tho, and I couldn't do it anymore after finally getting healthy about it.  The third long-term relationship taught me about physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, which taught me the rest of the things I needed to know in order to get even more healthy.

Then I got sick.  With the MS.  I told you part of those guys.

With Hank... it's the first time in a very long time that ... oh, this is going to sound so awful.  It's the first time I don't care.  Maybe I should rephrase that.  I had learned that it's not my job to "fix" or to do all the work in keeping a relationship going.  But now I know that whether he stays or goes, it doesn't matter cause I'm okay on my own.  I had learned that right before the MS struck, but I didn't have the track record to prove it.  It was all theory.  Now I have the proof, and I know it for sure.  It has made a hell of a difference.  I don't have to use ummm feminine wiles to attract or keep him.  I don't have to work at this.  It's just so damn easy this time.  And I think he's in the same space too, so it's double the easy.

I might even use the walker tonite when we go out...

Oh yes, the walker is also why I am happy and content again.  Isn't that odd?  After the HORRIBLE day where I could not walk, I bought a cheapie walker from the thrift shop a couple of days later.  I've had them before but I gave them away when I moved here.  (Cause moving to SF was spose to cure me, don'tcha know)

I am still able to take the trike bike for grocery shopping and do use it for close-by errands.  But as far as exploring the city?  Impossible.  There's hills here. And wind.  I thought Idaho had the wind, but it shares the wind with San Francisco. 

Altho I did say, I give in, I give up, I've made a decision to keep walking as long as I can.  I'm not ready for a wheelchair.  That physical therapist who seemed to contradict herself by writing out the report that I needed a wheelchair, but that the goal of PT was to keep their patients mobile kept ringing in my head.   And it kept irritating me.  So I did what everyone does when one is irritated by something they cannot solve.

I Googled "walkers".

I have a prescription for this one, and I have to go back to my primary doctor's office to see the social worker in order to start the process of getting it.

It's okay.  Good enough for now.

But then I saw this... and it would solve a few problems the one above has, mostly the tendency to lean over, which KILLS my back.  Also, it goes over bumps and cracks (and MUNI tracks?) with a lot more stability. 

The point is... there's more options that will keep me on my feet for a longer time.  I'm not ready for a wheelchair.  I WILL continue the process of getting one, just in case the funding stops for wheelchairs in the future. 

Walkers are cheaper than a chair.  I'm thinking I might as well try for the Cadillac version.  

So between the trike and the walkers... I've got more time.


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